Harry Potter and the ManEating Rabbit
by drinehart
Summary: Someone told me about a story with this title, and said yes it was as bad as it sounds. So I decided to take the title and see what I could do with it. Just a little random humor.


Harry Potter and the Man-Eating Rabbit Harry Potter and the Man-Eating Rabbit

**Author's Note: **_I heard from someone on another site that someone had actually written a story with this title, and they said it was godawful. How could it not be, with a title like that. And then I started thinking about it, and decided to write my own. It is admittedly a strange story, but hopefully not godawful._

"Harry, we're _not_ supposed to be out here in the Forbidden Forest," Hermione whined. "I know Professor Sprout offered extra House points to anyone who brought her back some Peculiar Prindle plants, but I don't think she meant for us to come out here to find them."

Harry ignored her, as he was really tired of listening to her complain about everything. Why couldn't she have stayed back at the Castle with Ron? So what if Ron was busy snogging Lavender- she could at least have stayed and practiced her Vicious Attack Canary charm. Anything but this constant whining and complaining.

Trying to remember what a Peculiar Prindle plant looked like, Harry kept his eyes down (and his ears closed) as he trudged through the forest. Sprout said they were usually found wherever centaurs were, and he kept looking around to see if this was where they'd managed to lose Umbridge. So far, nothing looked familiar. But then a noise caught his attention, even over the constant background of Hermione. He put a hand over her mouth and dragged her off the trail into some bushes.

"Harry! This is really quite flattering, but you know I've always rather fancied Ron," Hermione said. "And even JK said you and I weren't…"

"Would you for once just _shut the &# UP," _hissed Harry. "Something's coming." Finally still, for however brief a time, Hermione heard something large and lumbering coming down the path. It was making noise but neither could quite make out what.

Something big and lumbering came around a bend in the path. It was huge; at least 7 feet tall, had to weigh at least 300 pounds, and was an intriguing shade of lilac with a blue horn in the middle of its head. There seemed to be a piece of yarn tied around its neck, and Luna was following close behind, holding the other end.

"Just a little further, and Daddy can take your picture and I'll let you go," Luna said as they went by the bush concealing Harry and Hermione.

"Blibber, blibber," went the creature.

Just before they turned a corner further down the path, Luna turned back and said, "Hi, Harry. Hi, Hermione. Did you know there's a bird making a nest in your hair?" And then she turned and kept walking.

Hermione brushed a small yellow canary- "One of yours?" Harry asked- out of her hair, and the two stepped back on the path. They walked on a little further, with Hermione keeping up a constant stream of angst and worry, but Harry had learned long ago to tune her out and didn't listen. He kept looking around, trying to find any signs of Peculiar Prindle plants but with no luck.

"You know, _Hogwarts, A History_ says there used to be a big patch of Peculiar Prindle plants on the south side of the Forbidden Forest, but they were mostly pulled up during the fifth goblin rebellion in 1785. I suppose it's possible…" Hermione said. As she kept talking, Harry thought to himself, "Do you suppose it's possible for you to keep quiet for 5 minutes?"

A little further down the path, they saw a flash of black disappearing into some bushes. Harry held up his hand to caution Hermione, and crept forward slowly. Peering around a tree, he saw Cho Chang and Michael Corner snogging avidly. Rolling his eyes, he waved a hand to Hermione and they kept walking. Another flash of black a little further on turned out to be Ginny and Dean Thomas, also snogging behind a tree. Despite a burning desire to turn Dean into a gravy boat, Harry just kept walking.

Finally, they came to a small clearing filled with Peculiar Prindle plants. Harry gave a small cheer, while Hermione dislodged another pair of canaries attempting to nest in her hair. As they flew away, she pulled out her wand and transfigured each of them into a piece of toast, which she caught and began snacking on.

Now that they'd found the plants, Harry realized he didn't have any way of carrying them back. Spying a small turtle minding its own business, Harry transfigured it into a bushel basket. Unfortunately, it was a bushel basket with legs, and kept trying to wander off as Harry filled it with Peculiar Prindle plants. That wasn't much of a problem, since they were turtle legs and didn't move very fast. In fact, the basket seemed to pretty much keep pace with Harry as he moved along the line pulling up plants.

Having no intention of messing up her nails by helping, Hermione idly wandered around the clearing. She found three more pairs of Hogwarts students snogging behind trees, and wasn't sure but thought she spotted Filch and Madam Pince disappearing behind an elm. With a casual wave of her wand, she created a large flock of canaries and soon cries of "Ouch! Ow! Damn birds!" and worse were heard around the clearing, followed by the scuffling of brush and the rapid pounding of retreating feet. Seeming to ignore the noise, Hermione continued wandering, humming the theme from "Survivor".

When Harry had filled the basket, the two friends started back toward the castle. They hadn't gone very far when they heard something crashing through the underbrush ahead, followed by human screams abruptly cut off. Something big, from the sounds of it. Something deadly. Something coming for them. Harry and Hermione drew close together as they waited for it to appear.

A large tree crashed down into the path ahead of them. The bushes shook violently as _something_ prepared to break out. Hermione raised her hand to her mouth, gasping. Harry tried pulling his wand out of his back pocket but it got caught and misfired; he felt his right buttock deflating. There was a loud crack as Mad-Eye Moody Apparated into the clearing and fixed both his eyes on Harry.

"See? I told you. Elementary wand safety and CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" Moody Disapparted.

Meanwhile, the bushes alongside the trail continued rustling and finally parted to reveal….

A small Lionhead rabbit, followed by a fellow Gryffyndor named Morgan. The rabbit was carrying what appeared to be part of Filch's leg in its mouth, and it sat down and started chewing. Morgan looked apologetically at them. "He loves Squib. What can I say?"

Hermione pulled out her wand and reinflated Harry's buttock. He thanked her; "Once again, you've save my a…" He stopped as the bunny suddenly growled. Morgan looked worried.

"Uh-oh," she said. "He _really_ hates bad puns. I'd suggest you run, but it's far too late for that. Buh-bye now." The bunny dropped Filch's leg and prepared to spring.

Just then, there were three loud cracks as three 14-year-old witches Apparated onto the path between them and the bunny. One particularly attractive girl with long flowing blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes and a figure that would be unlikely even on an adult woman turned to them and said, "Hi, Cousin Hermione! (giggle) It's so good to see you again. I'm really glad you're…." The rest of her sentence was cut off as the bunny, angered by implausible narrative and Mary Sues even more than bad puns, went for her throat.

While the bunny was savaging the blonde, the other two witches looked at each other. One said, "OMG, Tiffany Brittany, that cute little bunny just like totally ripped out Clarissa Tiffany's throat!" The other said, "Well, gosh then, Meredith Ambertiffany, I guess that makes me the new head bimbo. Let's go to the mall." "Sure, whatever." And the two remaining Mary Sues Disapparated.

The bunny, nauseated at the sweetness, spit out the bits of Clarissa Tiffany and shuffled around to stare at Harry. Hermione, tired of the whole thing, transfigured it into a cockroach and went over and stepped on it. Morgan was heartbroken, and began shrieking in rage, but Hermione merely summoned another flock of Attack Canaries and drove her away.

On their way back to the greenhouses, Harry and Hermione were challenged by a pair of centaurs, but the Attack Canaries once again came to the rescue and drove them off. Finally, unable to stand the plotline anymore, Harry suddenly learned Apparition and left the whole scene behind.


End file.
